With some of my favorite homeschoolers, today, up came the topic of sharing your sexual values with your kids from the very first birds and bees talk. How do you talk to them about choosing partners? I remembered the Hero saying he wants to have lots of "right persons" because every one you love makes you have more love to love all the others with. I was so proud of him that day. But I couldn't brag on my kid's openheartedness there, or explain the ways and times I had conversed with him about polyamory.
Everyone in this group seems to have read a book called Protecting the Gift. I admit I unfairly hate it in advance of reading it. From what I hear, this book advocates for trusting your instincts as a parent. That is often code for using fear to justify helicopter parenting. In this case it seems to mean treating like a sex offender anyone who skeeves you out, like men who interact with children for no pay or single moms who breastfeed preschoolers. I am a radical in this group because men who interact with children for no pay are my heroes. I dare not mention that my sons know what a clitoris is, or that I hope they do date during adolescence. I would surely set off the "instincts" of all of those scared women.
This isn't healthy. It tries to be, but it's just fear. My sexual values don't include that. My romantic values don't either. I don't want to raise kids who hoard love like it's scarce, or who have to make their partner's love scarce in order to give it value. I will be proud of my kids if they are generous and giving with all good things. They should trust their lovers enough to give them some freedom.
I tell them that every chance I get. It's too early to call the game, but I seem to be doing a fair job of passing on my values about choosing partners. Anyone want to talk about how I'm teaching that?
I think you're mischaracterizing the book. I don't find it a fearful book at all. It's more about that thing where people say about the convicted serial killer 'but s/he was such a nice person! I just can't believe it!' - that's a load of crap. The signs were all there & if you know what you're looking for, you'll see them. It's quite empowering in so many ways b/e once you trust those spidey senses, you get good at finding all the 99.9% of good people out there. Gavin de Becker is not a fear mongering man. Just gives lots of sensible advice, though obviously his work experience does give him a certain lens on life which others may not share.
ReplyDeletehwvr, I'm def not a free ranger so ymmv. :-) maybe it only appeals to us who are pretty protective, or worked in law enforcement & saw some pretty slick evil folks.
hornblower, I'm one of those people who worked, not in law enforcement, but with very severely abused and neglected kids. If I'd looked at de Becker's website and seen a bunch of religious-speak, that would be once thing, but what I do see is a variety of lawyers and clinicians endorsing the book. I think I'll most likely read it...What I've read in reviews indicates that he strongly advocates empowering a child to resist adults behaving inappropriately, and making sure they know they'll be believed. That resonates very strongly with me.
ReplyDeleteI've got my share of beloved adult males who interact with children for no pay. That said, the vast majority of people I've known (and I've known quite a few, not all through my job) who were sexually abused as children were abused by men interacting with children for no pay who were often, though not always, relatives. It can be as dangerous to talk a child out of mistrusting adults as it is to talk them into it.
I am all for deconstructing stereotypes. However, speaking as someone who discovered that a pleasant, affable man in her community was recently convicted on kiddie porn charges, I will trust my instincts and encourage my kids to trust theirs.
I can't critique Protecting the Gift because I haven't read it, but like anyone else who reads parenting boards I've seen people talk about it a lot.
ReplyDeleteI share your concerns about the whole "Trust your instincts!! If someone seems dangerous to you he probably is!!" message that, even if it isn't what De Becker says, seems to be what many people take away from his book. I think about all the white people who feel uneasy when they see a black man walking down their street, or the people who "know" that gay men are all child molesters and would never feel comfortable having one as a Boy Scout leader.
"Always trust your instincts" seems to validate these kinds of irrational prejudices. Sometimes our gut feelings are accurately telling us that something is wrong. Other times, they are reflections of prejudices we have absorbed from living in a racist, homophobic, etc., society. I don't want to shut down reflection/examination of those questions with "Mama instinct is always right."
Again, maybe De Becker is more nuanced than that. I can't say because I haven't read it. But what many people seem to take away from the book troubles me.